My Journey to Forty

Who Will I Be When I Grow Up?
My Emmaus Walk: Coming Home
The Lord has been good to me. So kind and forgiving, full of love and compassion. Saving me at a young age, watching me rebel, and repent. Rebel and repent. I am bit of a prodigal daughter (although, those who know me may not believe that.) I gave my heart and life to Jesus at a young age, yet rebelled through actions and relationships as a teen and young adult. All, while still showing up in church on Sunday, singing in the choir (small church, they needed warm bodies,) and even teaching Sunday school.
I am home now, longing to live my life as a slave to the One Master who lovingly provides and take me back without question.  Join my journey. My journey to Forty; A milestone!
I am a “numbers girl,” it runs in my family. We find significance in numbers.
For us, it was no coincidence that our dear Michelle (niece by nature, sister by God’s redemptive plan) walked down the aisle toward marriage at exactly 1:16pm (unplanned, the wedding was supposed to start at exactly 1:00, we still can’t explain the delay.) However, 1:16 matches her father’s birthday, 1/16/61 and he had gone home to be with Jesus earlier that same year. We see it as divine intervention, reminding us that God is still in control, and has great plans for our lives.
So, although I do not believe in astrology, I like to look at numbers in a very simple way and find their significance for my life. So come along on my journey as I look back to Psalms 25 to see if God has anything to say about what I missed at that age and dive into Psalm 40 to see what God has in store for me (and you too.)
Keep in mind I have not completed this journey in advance, so I will be just as surprised as you are to see what these chapters reveal to us!
Oh, and one more thing. After God spoke to me about the chapters, I decided to take another little peak at numbers. How many numbers are in each chapter? Twenty-two verses in chapter 25 and seventeen verses in chapter 40. Add those together and you get 39! Where I am now! Coincidence? I think not!

So here we go: Psalm 25
 Verse1: "O Lord, I give my life to you. “

Been there, done that. At an early age I accepted Jesus into my heart. I remember many things about that Sunday and the days surrounding. Most vividly, I remember coming home from church one Sunday afternoon, heavily burdened by the sins on my heart. What they were, I do not know (what could a 10-year old be burdened by?) What I would give to exchange those innocent sins for the sins I would later commit! Nonetheless, the burden was heavy and I wanted to hide and sort it out. So, I did. In an upstairs walk-in closet that had become my own private apartment. Pulling on the string light, surrounded by books and baby dolls, I told Jesus how much I loved Him and wanted to follow Him. The next thing I remember, my mom was there, holding me as I cried reminding me that the feelings I was experiencing were normal and what I was about to do was a great thing and we’d talk with the preacher the following week.
And that was it! I was on my way to a life of service and fellowship with Jesus. I began my journey by committing to read my bible every day. It was a commitment, I’d find myself remaking again, and again, and again every year after falling off the “bible reading wagon.” (I think I’ve read the book of Genesis 142 times!

Verse 2: "I trust in you my God!  Do not let me be disgraced or let my enemies rejoice in my defeat."
So typical of me at twenty-five.  I can relate with David in two ways regarding this verse: 1) Me, me, me...Don't forget about me, Lord.  Don't let them hurt, embarrass or ridicule me!  2) Enemies, enemies, enemies.....Nobody likes me, wants to marry me or be my best friend.  As I look back now, I realize that if I had really trusted God, his provision and power, the above issues would not have been issues for me at all.  Praise God, He is our best friend, he loves us more than any other person on Earth is capable of died to show me how much he cared.  My eyes were so focused on "me" at 25.  No wonder I remember so little about others.  Old friends often ask, "remember so-and-so and when she did this-and-that?"  My typical response is, "ummm, no I don't, but do you remember when I.....?"  Oh the shame of a selfish 25 year old.  I don't have to worry about my enemies shaming or disgracing me, I can do that job just fine on my own!  Praise God for His changing power!

Verse 3: "Yea, let none that wait on thee be ashamed, let them be ashamed that transgress without cause."  KJV
Thank you Lord, that my shame does not have to last.  My trust, although, not always as sincere as it should be (as shown by my actions) and patience will pay off.  God will not let me live in the shame of my past regrets.  There will be joy in the morning!

Verse 4: "Show me the right path O' Lord, point out the road for me to follow."
I've asked this question 1000 times.  Funny thing though.  I think, sometimes I asked knowing the path I was supposed to take, yet hoping if I asked again, He'd (God) change His mind.  Now I ask out of a pure and heartfelt deslire for clarity and longing to do the right thing and follow His path, no matter the direction.

Verse 5: "Lead me by your truth and teach me for you are the God who saves me.  All day long I put my hope in you."
At an early age, I was unsure of what putting my hope in the Lord really meant.  I knew it involved trust and belief in a person I could not see (faith).  But what I didn't know was how much more it meant.  Hope in God is not just asking for a situation to turn out in your favor, or for the bills to be paid.  For your marriage to succeed and your children to "turn out good."  Hope in Christ is fully trusting in God's will for your life, regardless of the circumstances.  Having courage to face life and still hang onto hope (not doubt) when disappointments come, realizing that everything in the end works out for your good and His glory!

Verse 6: "Remember O'Lord your compassion and unfailing love which you have shown from long ages past."
These are two of the most important characteristics I was taught about God growing up.  1) He is full of compassion, and 2) His love will never fail you.  It's been proven since the beginning of time.  Don't believe me?  Read the book of Psalms.  As a young girl, I longed for God's compassion and unfailing love.  I now think I more fully understand that His compassion and unfailing love are new every morning, and have nothing, I repeat nothing to do with what I have done, and everything to do with who God is and what He has done.  Thank you, Lord that my sins and failures will never interfere with your love and mercy!

Verse 7: "Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth.  Remember me in the light of your unfailing love, for you are merciful O Lord."
Oh, and I was rebellious.  There's something about a 25 year old girl that says, "live for the moment, do what feels good."  Why doesn't anyone tell her how she'll feel in the morning?  Why do we not talk about the regret, shame and guilt.  No magazines ads or articles on that topic.  Just the party in the pictures, not the morning after.  I am so thankful that God's love is unfailing and full of mercy!  His blessings are new each day!  Drink that up!

Verse 8: "The Lord is good and does what is right.  He shows the proper path to those who go astray." 
Pretty simple and straightforward.  Our God is good and does what is right.  Period.  So, why do I "but" and "what if"  my life so much.  God's plan is perfect.  I once told some friends that growing up I was very confused.  Being a member of a Southern Baptist Church and Catholic school (it was all about logistics, we lived within walking distance to the elementary school.)  Anyhow, if you know anything about the "teachings" of the two religions, one accepts certain behaviors as "normal" while the others sees it as "sinful."  Such is true in life.  Ask ten different people for their "opinions and beliefs" and you will most likely get ten different opinions.  What's a girl to do?  Consult the text, the bible.  God's word is the only place I need to find direction and information.  It's verses like verse 8 that remind me of His authority and provision.

Verse 9: "He leads the humble in doing right, teaching them His way."
I don't  remember being humble at 25, it was more like, "look at me, watch me, love me, hang out with me."  So afraid of being alone on a Friday night, I'd go places I dreaded when all the time, I could have been with the one calling out to me along along and saying, "I am watching you, I do love you and long to spend time with you."  Oh the years I missed!

Verse 10: "The Lord leads with unfailing love and faithfulness all who keep His covenants and obey His commands."
Interesting choice of words throughout this verse: unfailing love, faithful.  Two things a 25-year old woman (I think I was really still just a baby though) dreams about and wonders if she will ever find the one person who can offer.   To think there is someone right there all the time longing to give us both and in ways we can't even imagine.  It was there all the time.  All I had to do was listen; listen and obey.

Verse 11: "For the honor of your name O Lord, forgive my many, many sins."
Just like me to repeat myself (see verse 7)  I'm not quite sure if you heard me, God.  And if you did, I still question your forgiveness.  What an unbelievable relief and incredible blessing to finally truly trust after all these years and realize that I only need ask once and your forgiveness is given 1000 times over.  The sins of my past haunt me.  "How can you still love me Lord?  Do you still love me?  Even after I did that?  The burden is so heavy, please please pleeeeease forgive me?"  To which His reply is always, YES!

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